Screw me like Tiger, but pay me my 80 million dollars first!
To say that Tiger Wood’s indiscretions and extramarital affairs have been the most talked about story this week would be an understatement, as everyday more breaking news have surfaced. Men, women and children have been glued to the media outlets, watching as this squeaky clean sport celebrity’s private life is intruded upon daily, in full public view. It seems like Tiger was a freak behind closed doors!
As we learn about his numerous alleged affairs, all supposedly over the last few years, everyone has an opinion about his character and what his wife’s reaction should be. Women are up in arms about his doggish ways and some men, not surprisingly, are coming to his defense. Statistics report that over 75 percent of married men cheat, and most of them go for an extra affair within the first three years of their marriage.
Many married men, including some of my close friends, are asking, “So what is the big deal?” “Sandy, I could use a couple more pum pum’s right now miself. You just don’t understand how men think,” a very close, married friend of mine disclosed a couple days ago as we discussed the Wood’s situation. “Yu not a man, so you just don’t understand the sexual desires of men,” he tried to explain. Bewildered, yet curious to get to the bottom of this man woman business, I listened intently, while trying to interject a few points of my own. “Donovan, (obviously not his real name, but he would be very angry if I used his real name in this piece), I have the same sexual drive as you do Donovan,” I say to him. “I get turned on if I see a sexy man walking down the street with bow legs and 14 size shoes. Men just think with their little heads instead of their big heads,” I say to him. He chuckles and replies, “But yu different than most women Sandy. Most women don’t like to have sex that often.” “Yu don’t know my girlfriends,” I say to him. All Straight freaks, in my opinion!
Tiger , because of his “transgressions,” as he puts it, has now reportedly agreed to pay Elin Woods a whopping 5 million immediately ,plus an additional 75 million, up from the previously agreed upon 20 million in her pre-nuptial agreement ,if she agrees to stay with him over a certain period of time. Following on the heels of scandals surrounding other celebrities and sports superstars such as Kobe Bryant, David Letterman, Elliot Spitzer, and Michael Jordan just to name a few, Elin Woods has now officially joined the group being called, “Wives who are now stinking rich because of their husband’s inability to keep it in his pants,” group.
Where is my 80 million I ask? Should I then call up my ex-boyfriends and let them know that they actually owe me and my girlfriend’s money and that I would like it in cash immediately? How was it that I only walked away with tears and dirty boxers after a man who cheated on me left? Eighty million would certainly help me financially right now as I struggle to stay ahead of my bills in this tough economy.
So to all prospective boyfriends I say,” It is okay for you to cheat on me, as I,” as my friend Donovan insists, “don’t understand man business.” I will use your money wisely to ease the pain. New Manolo Blahnik shoes, Gucci handbags and a nice red Mercedes Convertible will certainly make me smile again. However, 30 year old muscular boy toy, with bow legs and size 14 shoes , and who is ready to please me in an instant ,will be my very first purchase, as I try to mend my poor broken heart.
So please, you can screw me like Tiger anytime baby! Just cut me the cheque first!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
No More Granny Panties Please
No More Granny Panties Please!
There is an old, unwritten rule which states, “A man wants a lady in the streets and a whore in the bedroom.” How is this accomplished by women wearing granny panties and tie heads to bed, especially during marriage? Effective as they may be to keep your weave intact and your rear warm, most men are turned off by this look.
Many women, not all of course, wear thongs, sexy lingerie, perfume and stilettos to get the man, but do nothing to keep him! These bad habits undeniably contribute to the infrequency of sex during marriage. Up to 48 percent of women, when polled ,admitted to faking an orgasm!
Some women also view sex as a “duty,” and refuse to make love to their mates unless forced to. Should wives not be vamping it up in the bedroom, swinging on the chandeliers or stripper poles, and whipping out the whipped cream, in order to keep their husbands satisfied? He has after all, “Put a ring on it,” like Beyonce sings, so give him the prize. Her H.O.V.A. or JZ, his surely getting his! He deserves it! Have you seen Beyonce’s rock?
Men, from all walks of life, complain daily about their “mistreatment” as they call it, at home. Loren, a very dear friend of mine, often complains to me about his wife’s lack of affection towards him, sexually and otherwise. I am held captive in his Nutrition store at least once a week, like a mouse caught in a trap. He really needs a physiatrist’s chair in his shop, as I am contemplating charging him for my opinions. “Sandy, yu know that the last time that we had sex was 3 months ago, and she will not approach me unless I insist on it?”, he says in his broken patois. Poor thing! I realize that he needs a shoulder to cry on and listen intently, while loudly drinking his blend of a protein shake, made with rich strawberries and almost ripe bananas.
Surprised, and at a loss for words I reply, “Loren, I am sure that if you talk to her she will come around,” I say to him. “Will I never learn?” I ask myself internally. I should know by now that I would not be able to leave on time once I have sat down. There goes my Desperate Housewives! Again! However, I am his friend so I ask, “Have you ever tried couples counseling or a couple’s retreat?” . I love gossip as much as the next woman, but picturing Loren banging his wife was indeed a turnoff, as I know them both very well.
His bald head, pale white skin and her slinky black legs and long weave, was too much for my poor little brain to handle. Many women however will defend Loren’s wife’s actions and admit to doing the same. “Who have time fe mek love? Me don’t even have time to even scratch me head!,” they say. Can we then only blame our men for cheating? Do we not play a role in it, sometimes?. Men are visual creatures; give them something at home to look at constantly.
I personally do not own a pair of granny panties myself ,as I enjoy seeing the toned rear that I have sculpted over the last few years. “Sandy, yu no fraid se u catch cold ina yu behind?” my friends ask. “No girl,” I often reply. “My rear is too tough for such a thing.”
Of course sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but it is still a very important part of a relationship. Ladies, you should also remember that whatever you will not do for your man, another woman will.
I guarantee you that Matey, as we lovingly call the girl on the side, has her thongs and stilettos! Outsmart her by wearing your thongs and stilettos to bed!
There is an old, unwritten rule which states, “A man wants a lady in the streets and a whore in the bedroom.” How is this accomplished by women wearing granny panties and tie heads to bed, especially during marriage? Effective as they may be to keep your weave intact and your rear warm, most men are turned off by this look.
Many women, not all of course, wear thongs, sexy lingerie, perfume and stilettos to get the man, but do nothing to keep him! These bad habits undeniably contribute to the infrequency of sex during marriage. Up to 48 percent of women, when polled ,admitted to faking an orgasm!
Some women also view sex as a “duty,” and refuse to make love to their mates unless forced to. Should wives not be vamping it up in the bedroom, swinging on the chandeliers or stripper poles, and whipping out the whipped cream, in order to keep their husbands satisfied? He has after all, “Put a ring on it,” like Beyonce sings, so give him the prize. Her H.O.V.A. or JZ, his surely getting his! He deserves it! Have you seen Beyonce’s rock?
Men, from all walks of life, complain daily about their “mistreatment” as they call it, at home. Loren, a very dear friend of mine, often complains to me about his wife’s lack of affection towards him, sexually and otherwise. I am held captive in his Nutrition store at least once a week, like a mouse caught in a trap. He really needs a physiatrist’s chair in his shop, as I am contemplating charging him for my opinions. “Sandy, yu know that the last time that we had sex was 3 months ago, and she will not approach me unless I insist on it?”, he says in his broken patois. Poor thing! I realize that he needs a shoulder to cry on and listen intently, while loudly drinking his blend of a protein shake, made with rich strawberries and almost ripe bananas.
Surprised, and at a loss for words I reply, “Loren, I am sure that if you talk to her she will come around,” I say to him. “Will I never learn?” I ask myself internally. I should know by now that I would not be able to leave on time once I have sat down. There goes my Desperate Housewives! Again! However, I am his friend so I ask, “Have you ever tried couples counseling or a couple’s retreat?” . I love gossip as much as the next woman, but picturing Loren banging his wife was indeed a turnoff, as I know them both very well.
His bald head, pale white skin and her slinky black legs and long weave, was too much for my poor little brain to handle. Many women however will defend Loren’s wife’s actions and admit to doing the same. “Who have time fe mek love? Me don’t even have time to even scratch me head!,” they say. Can we then only blame our men for cheating? Do we not play a role in it, sometimes?. Men are visual creatures; give them something at home to look at constantly.
I personally do not own a pair of granny panties myself ,as I enjoy seeing the toned rear that I have sculpted over the last few years. “Sandy, yu no fraid se u catch cold ina yu behind?” my friends ask. “No girl,” I often reply. “My rear is too tough for such a thing.”
Of course sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but it is still a very important part of a relationship. Ladies, you should also remember that whatever you will not do for your man, another woman will.
I guarantee you that Matey, as we lovingly call the girl on the side, has her thongs and stilettos! Outsmart her by wearing your thongs and stilettos to bed!
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