Screw Me like Tiger but pay me my 80 million dollars first

Screw me like Tiger, but pay me my 80 million dollars first!

To say that Tiger Wood’s indiscretions and extramarital affairs have been the most talked about story this week would be an understatement, as everyday more breaking news have surfaced. Men, women and children have been glued to the media outlets, watching as this squeaky clean sport celebrity’s private life is intruded upon daily, in full public view. It seems like Tiger was a freak behind closed doors!

As we learn about his numerous alleged affairs, all supposedly over the last few years, everyone has an opinion about his character and what his wife’s reaction should be. Women are up in arms about his doggish ways and some men, not surprisingly, are coming to his defense. Statistics report that over 75 percent of married men cheat, and most of them go for an extra affair within the first three years of their marriage.

Many married men, including some of my close friends, are asking, “So what is the big deal?” “Sandy, I could use a couple more pum pum’s right now miself. You just don’t understand how men think,” a very close, married friend of mine disclosed a couple days ago as we discussed the Wood’s situation. “Yu not a man, so you just don’t understand the sexual desires of men,” he tried to explain. Bewildered, yet curious to get to the bottom of this man woman business, I listened intently, while trying to interject a few points of my own. “Donovan, (obviously not his real name, but he would be very angry if I used his real name in this piece), I have the same sexual drive as you do Donovan,” I say to him. “I get turned on if I see a sexy man walking down the street with bow legs and 14 size shoes. Men just think with their little heads instead of their big heads,” I say to him. He chuckles and replies, “But yu different than most women Sandy. Most women don’t like to have sex that often.” “Yu don’t know my girlfriends,” I say to him. All Straight freaks, in my opinion!

Tiger , because of his “transgressions,” as he puts it, has now reportedly agreed to pay Elin Woods a whopping 5 million immediately ,plus an additional 75 million, up from the previously agreed upon 20 million in her pre-nuptial agreement ,if she agrees to stay with him over a certain period of time. Following on the heels of scandals surrounding other celebrities and sports superstars such as Kobe Bryant, David Letterman, Elliot Spitzer, and Michael Jordan just to name a few, Elin Woods has now officially joined the group being called, “Wives who are now stinking rich because of their husband’s inability to keep it in his pants,” group.

Where is my 80 million I ask? Should I then call up my ex-boyfriends and let them know that they actually owe me and my girlfriend’s money and that I would like it in cash immediately? How was it that I only walked away with tears and dirty boxers after a man who cheated on me left? Eighty million would certainly help me financially right now as I struggle to stay ahead of my bills in this tough economy.

So to all prospective boyfriends I say,” It is okay for you to cheat on me, as I,” as my friend Donovan insists, “don’t understand man business.” I will use your money wisely to ease the pain. New Manolo Blahnik shoes, Gucci handbags and a nice red Mercedes Convertible will certainly make me smile again. However, 30 year old muscular boy toy, with bow legs and size 14 shoes , and who is ready to please me in an instant ,will be my very first purchase, as I try to mend my poor broken heart.

So please, you can screw me like Tiger anytime baby! Just cut me the cheque first!