Actress, Host and Author Sandy Daley

Sandy Daley author of Whose Vagina is it Really?

Know Your man: He might be a wolf in sheep’s clothing! It is often said that a woman can easily drive a man to insanity, and make him do very strange things. Some even say that men think with their little heads, while women rule with their hearts. A woman’s love can help a man move mountains; if the relationship does succeed. However, unfortunately, relationships and marriages have a very high percentage rate of failing and up to half of all marriages end in divorce. Many a times the problem however is not the actual demise of the relationship, but the reaction to the break-up by both parties. I wonder if my new man will switch if I ever break it off with him. Generally speaking, most women after a break-up will bawl their eyes out for a few weeks and call their girlfriends on the phone who will most certainly tell her, “Girl you were too good for him anyways; he never deserved you.” Whether they are correct in their statements or not, we can always depend on our girls to boost our spirits and take us out on a girls night-out .This will last for weeks of course; but then the sun will shine again and our beautiful smiles will re-appear as we hit the gym to of course, “Get our sexy back.” Forever thinking to ourselves, “Watch me and him when I see him again. I gwaan mek him mouth drop to the floor.” Dieting, the gym and our girlfriends are our tools for revenge. In a few months time that man will be forgotten, as she moves on to another, better you; with bigger biceps and fuller lips of course. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! When a man breaks up with a woman however, often times it is never that easy; whether he is in the wrong or not. His reaction to his wife, girlfriend or lover, is often filled with rage, spitefulness and revenge; especially when it is clear that there is will be no reconciliation. “Listen Sandy, you have to understand that a man never ever wants to see his woman with another man, whether he left her or not,” my male friends try to explain. “Ina his mind, you are forever his, and imagining you making love to another man will eat him alive.” Could that be the answer to all of life’s questions? Are men ultimately dependent on the love of a woman to survive, so much that World War Three might occur if he does not get his way? More importantly, are women such powerful human beings that with the swirl of our hips and the touch of our hands, we are able to control men; if we so desire? Is this power ultimately too destructive if misused, and sometimes unfortunately ,misunderstood? It does bewilder me the antics of a few ex-lovers when I have chosen to leave; and never return. Similar to every other woman in this world, their reactions towards me have been mixed with contempt, to outright spitefulness. “Yu must have given him something real sweet Sandy, fe mek him a gwaan so,” my friends laugh while we discuss the situation. “Fe yu loving must be real good girl,” they snicker. “Some people just do not know how to let go,” I reply. However flattering this may be, the prospect of getting back with an ex has never crossed my mind as. Take the time to really get to know someone,” I encourage my girlfriends these days, wishing that I had listened to my own advice. A year, in my opinion is enough time to really get to know someone; as that is usually enough time for human beings to reveal their true colors.” I do hope that my Mr. Right does not turn out to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

My yoga Instructor is my New Man!

My Yoga Instructor is my new man! According to the Statistics, sixty percent of black women have either never married or are divorced. Yikes! What should I and my single girlfriends attribute our dire situation to? Lack of good men? No, there are good men still out there it is believed. No time? No, we find the time to do whatever is necessary, even with our hectic schedules. A low sex drive? No, most women, including myself, are vibrant human beings with the stamina of a 25 year old young woman. So then, what was the real reason? Why are women not taking the bull by the horn and dating more to find that special person? Why is it that my yoga mat has seemingly replaced a desire for Mr. Right my life? Like some women, I can be seen running on the streets frantically, or burning rubber on Highway 401, (cursing everyone in my way of course, even someone in a wheelchair that I almost ran over), as I rushed to catch my yoga class. To be fair to myself in that situation, the lady in the wheelchair came of nowhere. It was as if she was driving a sports car on the highway! Ninety minutes of hot yoga torture, almost the exact amount of time for lovemaking, (foreplay not included of course). Of course the benefits are amazing to the overall look of the body, but what are tight, leaned, toned arms and a rounded rear- end if no one is there to appreciate your hard work? The ability to place one’s legs over one’s head does not come in handy in the office and surely goes wasted. Of course I have become the butt of all my girlfriends’ jokes. “Sandy, u a go to your yoga again?” Yu no fraid seh u brok yu darn neck gal?” they ask Needless to say, their point hits home but an admission of guilt from me is never going to be done. “You guys are just jealous. You wish that you had my skills,” I often reply. Being able to perform the, “downward dog,” a popular yoga move which instructs you to put both hands and feet on the floor while pushing back with your legs and derriere in the air, easily achieved by me, surely cannot possible be accomplished by them I rationalize to myself. It appears that a lot of successful women do not make their relationships a priority: they have no time for love. Unless we change our daily routines and make time for love, our love lives will forever remain unfulfilled. You will forever be in your living rooms, alone, wondering why your girlfriends, some with bad credit, bad hair and wrinkled bodies, have husbands and you do not. Why you are not the one fighting with your man for the remote control or scolding him about leaving the toilet seat up. Again! How many times do you have to fall into the toilet, filled with water, before he listens? Aww, The joys of married life! Hot yoga, fulfilling as it is for the entire 90 minutes, cannot replace the love of a good man. I, like all other over- achievers, must tackle the problem head on and stop the escapism: be it hot yoga, like mine. Escapism rears its ugly head in many forms and often consumes your thoughts and every action. Figure out what is yours and what you are running from. Hopefully soon I will be able to say, Namaste! (Yoga terminology which means, “I give you my light”), to my lover instead of to a sweaty yoga mat, a really tanned instructor and strangers in tiny bikinis, and even tinier see-through Speedos.

Slim Pickings? Or too many men to Choose From?

Slim pickings, or too many men to pick from? Over the last few years, the state of “black love” and the “single black, bitter female,” has come to the forefront with such movies as, “Waiting to Exhale” and “For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf”. Never before has there been such a microscopic eye focused on our relationships, as young women, previously repressed and afraid to discuss what ails them, are finally beginning to open up and tackle the elephant in the room. Why are so many black women unmarried and without a steady partner by their side? Specifically, why do so many strong independent black women, remain unmarried and find it difficult to find love? Is it because we have nothing choose from or do we have too many to choose from; so therefore we hesitate to choose? Although statistics show that the percentage of black people marrying is more than it has been since the late 1970’s, the overall average of black women who will remain unmarried is staggering, if not frightening. According to the statistics, at least 45% of black women are unmarried and the numbers are even higher if you are a successful black woman. Many things can be attributed to this study, as not only do black women outnumber black men, but many black men are incarcerated, already married, gay, or have married outside of their own race. Many guys however, would state that black women are too “bitter”, are always fussing and set their standards too high, and so they are then turned off from dating black women or even marrying them. “Black women are too strong-willed, too stubborn and too argumentative,” I heard a friend of mine say recently. “If only you guys could be a little bit more feminine, and not as fussy, we would marry you.” As I listened to this crock of baloney that Donovan (of course not his real name), was spewing out of his mouth to me, I calmed myself and really thought about the answer before I gave it to him. “So tell me something”, I asked him. Why are you single? You being a black man should never, ever be single, as you have too many women to choose from. What is your issue,” I asked. That of course shut him up immediately! Unfortunately, he has not spoken to me since then. Oh well! Women need to understand and take full control of their love lives. The pickings might be little to non-existent, but we should remain open-hearted, and able to love, as one bad apple does not spoil the whole bunch. Sometimes however, we do wait too long to make up our minds, or even go after the man that we really want and desire. This should not be the case, as really “life is short” as they say, and we have to seize the moment. “Get excited about your life” is what Dr. Phil from the Dr. Phil show would inspire you to do, and I agree with that 100%. Out there somewhere is your prince charming, maybe not on a white horse and with the best of credit, but with a heart to love you, your weaknesses and also your strengths. He will look you in the eye and say, “Baby, where have you been all my life, as I could have used your support by my side a long time ago”, as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. The bitter black woman should never be used to describe you, as you are still a young girl at heart. I am barely sixteen in my mind!

A Man Can Never Give you Stability!

A man can never give you stability! Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once wrote, “The heights by great men reached and kept, were not obtained by sudden flight. But they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night.” This statement, old and rustic as it may be, should be the rule, in my opinion, on how to achieve success. Unfortunately though, many will never fully understand, nor truly grasp the meaning-unless you really want to. What is your legacy? How will the world remember you when you die? Will your children be able to inherit anything, or are you only concerned about having a man in your bed at night? Needless to say, one must be willing to sacrifice, focus and stay on course, no matter what life throws at you. Difficult as this may be, the legacy that we leave, not only for ourselves, but also for our children, should be in the forefront of our minds each day. A clear vision, mixed with the ability to dream, and dream BIG should be our passion. I am a true believer in my vision, even if no one else is. “They will come around”, is my motto: and they have. My belief, as I have stated many times before in this column, is that God should be the only one who is able to deny me my wishes. This however, must be coupled with hard work, as a dream needs not only support, but also your genuine focus-even if you lose some friends along the way. “So Sandy, you mean to God seh yu not coming out wid us tonight of all nights?” my girlfriends complained to me over the past year, almost each Saturday night. “How yu so boring? How are you ever going to find somebody cooped up in your house in front of de computer?” “No man, you guys just go ahead as I have a lot of work to do,” I would say to them. This has been my life for the last two years; constant work, no fun and almost no sex. Almost celibacy is not bad! You should try it sometimes, as it keeps me focused! During the year, while I concentrated on nothing but the completion my book and my work, it certainly has made me appreciate the value of hard work. I have also finally come to realize that yes, hard work does pay off. During a recent trip to Jamaica, to do a light promotion for my book “Whose Vagina Is It, Really?”-the book that consumed my every waking minute-never before did this statement manifest itself so strongly to me. Now that I have “tun it up” as we say in Jamaica, with my hot new underwear line, I have less time for tomfoolery or any situation that takes my focus away. Unfortunately, this goes for my private life as well. Should I break up with my new man in order to re- focus more now on my career and this new venture? Will he understand that from now on, his time with me will be extremely limited? Unfortunately for him, that is a the legacy that I am fighting to achieve, to pass on to my children and if he does not understand, then the relationship will be terminated by me. I know that it is a price that I am willing to, and must pay, as most men in my opinion, cannot handle a strong woman, as many feel threatened. Now officially dubbed as the Vagina lady, and with requests from major media and news outlet, I am glad that I toiled away and sweated during those lonely, dreary and depressing Saturday nights in front of the computer. “Lee, me se Sandy ina de Sunday Gleaner last week big big,” said my aunt from Jamaica, while on the phone a few nights ago. “And all the church ladies want a vagina book,” she continued to say. “Church ladies with a vagina book?” I queried myself internally, while I listened on three way to my aunt and mom while they conversed. “Isn’t there some sort of rule against that? Oh Lawd! For sure now I am going to hell,” I said to myself. I will just have to explain to God on my day of reckoning, that it was my way of bringing the women closer to an understanding of themselves. The Lord will probably crook his head to one side, raise his eyebrows and say, “But Sandy, yu couldn’t find another way to achieve your goal ma’am?” I know vagina is not a bad word, but you could have easily given them more quotes from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow! Next time Lord! Mek mi secure my legacy first!

Lock my legs: but open up my heart!

My Resolution for 2012: Lock my legs, but open up my heart! Okay, so it is a new year, and like the rest of the world, I have decided to make some specific changes in my life. One such change was to finally say "yes" to a man, and Dear Lord do I say it, become a wife to some lucky fella. No, it is not the alcohol that is still in my system, or the alcohol-laced rum cake still in my belly talking, it is just that I have matured and have finally become a woman. However, over the last few years, the state of “black love” and the “single black, bitter female,” has come to the forefront with such movies as, “Waiting to Exhale” and “For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf”, makes me doubt that I, Ms. Sandy Daley will ever find love. Never before has there been such a microscopic eye focused on our relationships, as young women, previously repressed and afraid to discuss what ails them are finally beginning to open up and tackle the elephant in the room. Why are so many black women unmarried and without a steady partner by their side? Specifically, why do so many strong independent black women, remain unmarried and find it difficult to find love? Do black men feel inferior to strong black women? Will 2012 be the year to change our thoughts and come together in unison, as God intended? Although statistics show that the percentage of black people marrying is more than it has been since the late 1970’s, the overall average of black women who will remain unmarried is staggering, if not frightening. According to the statistics, at least 45% of black women are unmarried and the numbers are even higher if you are a successful black woman. Many things can be attributed to this study, as not only do black women outnumber black men, but many black men are incarcerated, already married, gay, or have married outside of their own race. Many guys however, would state that black women are too “bitter”, are always fussing and set their standards too high, and so they are then turned off from dating black women or even marrying them. “Black women are too strong-willed, too stubborn and too argumentative,” I heard a friend of mine say recently. “If only you guys could be a little bit more feminine, and not as fussy, we would marry you.” As I listened to this crock of baloney that Donovan (of course not his real name), was spewing out of his mouth to me, I calmed myself and really thought about what I had to say, before I answered him. As I have known him for awhile, and wanted to keep him as a friend, I chose my words carefully and tried not to chew him by the balls too much. His ignorance was nauseating, but I wanted to help him out at this point. “If it was not for the “strength” of the black woman, which you so despise, your children, that perhaps not you, but a lot of your brothas have neglected, would not be anywhere and would in the hands of the government system,” I started off by saying. “The fact that we have had to take care of your children, care for them financially and emotionally, should be seen as something that is honored, respected and praised by you. Our strength also allows us to not take the easy road, as many of you have done. We lift ourselves up by the bootstraps, go back to school, become professionals in whatever career we chose, and are able to be an example to our children of what you can do if you are determined. Do not use our strength against us, as we are shining examples to the world”, I finished off by saying. I think I let him off easy, don’t you? To all the strong black women, I encourage you to hold onto the strength that you were born with, and also attained because of your struggles. With that said, remain open hearted, and able to love, as one bad apple does not spoil the whole bunch. Out there somewhere is your prince charming, maybe not on a white horse and with the best of credit, but with a heart to love you, your weaknesses and also your strengths. He will look you in the eye and say, “Baby, where have you been all my life, as I could have used your support by my side a long time ago”, as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. The bitter black woman should never be used to describe you, as you are still a young girl at heart. Hopefully by the end of this year, I will be sending out pink-glossy invitations to my oh-so-fab wedding in the Caribbean to hundreds of folks, you included as well, and not sitting here, writing sappy love journals to total strangers asking you, "Really, do you consider me to be a bitter black woman? Is that why I still don't have a man?" Pray for me people!